If you’re going to love me, truly love me, then there’s some things you need to know.
I overthink every possible situation into complete oblivion and will talk myself out of everything. Oh you’d like to take to me dinner? Well there might be nothing on the menu that I like or it could be really busy and I don’t want people looking at me and every single dress I own makes me look fat so maybe another time once I’ve lost weight.
Oh what’s that? You said you loved me? Well you’re probably only saying that to get into my pants or you said it to the wrong person by accident or are you sure? I mean how could you love me? I’m really not loveable so maybe you should reconsider and we will call it a day.
I need to know that you still want me, even if sometimes I refuse to believe it. I need you to tell me that you’re not bored of me and that you still want to be with me because I don’t want to be with me so when someone does I need to know at all times that this is what you want. I need reassurance from you that you’re not second guessing us and that there’s no one else and that I’m still yours.
I’m asking for you to be patient with me. On the days when I don’t want to get out of bed or when I don’t want your affection, I need you to know that I still love you. Sometimes my mind feels heavy and my heart feels numb and I don’t want to move from under my covers. I’m okay and this is normal for me so please be patient. I’m not trying to be difficult or ruin your day, I promise.
When I’m sad and I raid the cupboard and fridge, please don’t judge me. Sometimes food helps heal the numb feeling inside me and overeating is how I cope. Again, I am okay. But please don’t look and think how disgusting I am. I promise I’m okay, sometimes comfort eating is how I get through the day.
I need you to understand that my emotions and the way I express myself is like a roller coaster ride. One moment I’m okay and I’m going along just fine. The next I’m going downhill at a fast pace and taking sharp turns. I’ll cry and I’ll shout and I’ll take it all out on you. I don’t mean to, I really don’t. It’s just who I am and how I can show you the way I’m feeling. I’m sorry that sometimes you’re on the receiving end of it all.
The last thing I need you to understand if you’re going to love me is that I’m not easy to love. Some days I won’t want you to love me and other days I’ll be on the floor begging you to tell me how much I mean to you. Sometimes I’m a nervous wreck and stepping outside the door is a massive step for me. Other times I’m the happiest person in the world and I’m as confident as I can be.
This is me, it’s who I am and it’s who I’d like you to love. It won’t be easy and somedays you’ll want to walk away. But please don’t. I promise you mean more to me than you know and I’m sorry my mental health gets in the way sometimes.
Olivia Grace xx