To my body,
I hate the way you look. I hate the way you feel and move and breathe. I hate every living thing about you and I so wish you would change. I wish you would just disappear and start back anew. I wish you would be different.
The fat on my arms disgusts me. The way it wobbles, they way it hangs, the way it looks. There is nothing more revolting than when I wave to my friends goodbye and all they see are my bingo wings, flying in the air.
I hate how I have extra fat on my stomach. As if the stretch marks weren’t bad enough you had to go and add all this hanging fat. It looks gross, it feels gross, it is gross. And despite my efforts, I cannot love you. You make me feel uncomfortable and weak. And I hate you for that.
To my extra chins you can say goodbye. I feel them in every photo taken and I see them in all the flashbacks. Some days there’s two, others there’s three and I want you to get rid of them. Blend them away, cut them off. I don’t care how, just do it.
When you decided to create yourself you missed out the chiselled jaw line and the perfect cheekbones. All you left me with is a face that blends into my neck and chubby cheeks that no matter how hard I try with contour, they still won’t fade.
There happens to be this ugly birthmark on my neck that just refuses to be loved. It just sits there, a shadow among my body yet somehow even in the dark can still be seen. It has no place, no value, no nothing. And yet you still decided to place it there, why?
My legs are tree trunks and as pale as a ghost. They’re not slim, defined or strong. They’re wide and weak. Every day they make me remember the scars from my past and the new bruises that mysteriously emerge. I don’t understand how to love them.
I don’t know where to begin to love what you created. I don’t know if there’s a secret hack or a guideline but I am struggling. I am struggling to accept what I have been given. And all it makes me do is see flaw after flaw after flaw.
And you created this flaw.
Olivia Grace xx