I have this friend (and when I say that I really do mean the friend and I am not secretly indicating that I am infact that friend), who is in love with a boy who broke her heart. This I can understand and this I can relate to. What I can’t understand or relate to is the fact that every time… she goes back.
Even after she has cried herself to sleep every night for two months straight. Even after she has starved herself for weeks and has had her mother worrying every second of the day. Even after all of this, when he gets bored of everyone else and wants her back, she doesn’t even hesitate.
Now I get that love is tricky and it’s overwhelming. I know that it makes your head go funny and makes you not think straight. I have been in love and I have known it’s consequences. But what I will never know is running back to the poisonous side of love. Because that simply isn’t love to me.
I guess she gets annoyed with my opinions and me trying to look out for her. But how many times can you go back to a boy who has completely destroyed you. What happens when you go back once more and there’s nothing left for him to destroy because he’s burnt it all, what then? What will he do with all his power then?
Her family love her, obviously, and I love her too. I sometimes think why isn’t our love enough, just for now? What is there that she is searching for that she can’t find in the comfort of her own home or herself? Do I believe she knows love? I think she know’s various types of it. The type that is addictive. The type that is shared within her family and community. The type that holds her prisoner forever and the type that she can’t let go, even when everyone around her so desperately wants her to.
I want to shake her. Tell her to put down her phone and wake up. Scream at her that she deserves better, that she needs better. I want her to take her eyes away from her mobile and look around her. Look at this world and see what she wants from it. I want her to see the opportunities out there that spread wider than the small city and wider than him. That there is a life beyond his walls. That there are people out there waiting to be found and places waiting to be explored.
I think in my own ways she adores love, maybe more than I do. Scrap that, way more than I do. I think it holds her together and makes her feel safe. She will never let love pass her even if she can’t see how wrong that love is. She deserves love, don’t get me wrong, but not his. His isn’t the pure love she deserves. It’s the love that has been shared around too much and too often. It’s the on and off love, the type that doesn’t know if it’s coming or going. It isn’t sacred or good enough, not for her.
She is confused and I worry. I worry that because of this confusion she will make rash decisions and have her heart broken again when she so desperately needs time for her heart to heal. That’s the thing with her, she doesn’t ever stop and mend herself. She doesn’t acknowledge that her heart is cracked, maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe she doesn’t even see it, but I do and I’m not even her. She never takes a minute, not one, to look after herself. It is like she doesn’t care, when I desperately deep down want her to.
She tells me she loves him and I wonder sometimes if that’s true. Does she love him and his soul? Does she love him even when he’s mean and spiteful? Does she love him when he looks at her and says nothing with his mouth but only his eyes? Does she love him when he holds her hand? Does she love him when he laughs with her dad and talks about their future?
Or does she love the comfort? The feeling of being wanted and the feeling of security? Does she love the materialistic side of things and the home? Does she just love not being alone? Does she love the distraction that takes her away from all the pain inside of her that she thinks I don’t see?
Maybe I am being selfish but I tell her I won’t be in the same room as him, that I won’t be godmother to their children or bridesmaid at her wedding. This isn’t because I don’t want her happy or I don’t want to support her. I just want the best for her and being a protective best friend means that I won’t settle for less for her. I want to be there for her as we grow old and I want to see her give birth and say I do. But not with someone who doesn’t love her like she truly deserves.
Love is so difficult yet so simple. It’s natural and it’s immortal. She knows love and she knows it’s wickedness. She knows who is he and she knows what he does. She knows her family love her and she knows she has options. Maybe it’s time to let her go and decide for herself, who am I to stand in the way of her if she is truly happy? All I know is that I wan’t her to look at her life, look at herself in the mirror and thank god. I want her to be able to smile. genuinely and say thank you for everything. For choosing the right path whatever that may be. And I want to be there every step of the way. Because she deserves confidence, purity, happiness, wealth and most importantly… true love.